LOST IN SPACE-The Space Vikings, Rocket to Earth
THE SPACE VIKINGS-THE ultimate WORST and EMBARRASSING episode
WRITER-Margaret Brookman Hill--proving women have equality to write just as bad scripts as men---but this is worse than any man wrote for LOST IN SPACE !!!
NARRATION: Last week, as you recall, we left our space pioneers rehearsing a play, unaware that their harmless words were now summoning the ancient Norse gods from the void of space...
TEASER-not fully recapped, almost though--missing dialogue at the very opening of the scene as Smith talks; also missing is Penny's line about Smith writing all the speeches for himself; and later, Smith bragging why he should be Odin...
Will, Penny, and Smith rehearse a play. Penny stands on a rock and announces, "I am Freya," blah, blah, blah. Smith criticizes Penny's speech, spraining his neck, "Oh dear." Penny talks of the spring, clouds, birds. Penny gets down, only having four lines is bothering her. She wants to be Odin. Smith tells her Odin is a male. Will says, "Yeah, I'm going to be Odin!" Smith tells them to stop quibbling, "The play's the thing." They start again but lightning and wind hit, along with blowing leaves. Will says, "We better get back to the Jupiter, Dr. Smith, that looks like a cosmic storm!" Smith thinks, at first, it is a storm he wrote into the act. Will runs a bit, holding onto Penny's arm and dragging her, then laughs when he turns back to Smith, "Maybe Odin's trying to prove that you're all wet." He laughs. Smith calls him a young upstart, telling them that he is more than a match for Odin and the other mythological gods. Will pulls Penny off, calling Smith to follow. Smith falls to his knees, thinking the "gods" were offended by what he said. He sees a pair of grey-silver gloves come tumbling out of the sky at him. Will turns back, and then pulls Penny by the arm (again) back. The gloves appear on Smith's hands and start pulling him apart--he claims. He can't take them off--he also claims. The gloves sizzle and crackle and spark! Smith is screaming. Will gets the gloves off by pulling them, Penny pulls Will from behind. Smith tells them the gloves came out of the sky but the pair of them didn't see that. Smith calls it the Wrath of the gods but can't recall which celebrated god used these gloves. Penny worries about Smith's sanity, "I don't want to wear any costumes that could cause a cosmic storm." They don't think they should do any plays about myths any more. Penny started to say she thought Smith...then changed it to say...all three of them are taking this a bit too seriously. Smith is hurt that the two people who are his true friends in all the world would question his word. Will puts the gloves on and Smith screams. Will wonders if it was static electricity. Smith cons them to go back to camp. Will says, "You're not gonna fool around with those gloves, are you?" NOTE: Doesn't he know better by now that is exactly what Smith is going to do!!!!?? Smith tells them to go. Will says, "C'mon Penny, he's in one of his moods." Smith repeat, "Go." Smith sees Nordic ruins on the gloves and wonders how those come to be here--the writing of the ancient Norse Vikings. Odin was just a myth, Smith considers if the gods came from...he puts the gloves on. Lightning occurs and a gold hammer comes out of the sky, spiraling at him. Smith screams, "Get away!"
Norse music. The hammer appears in Smith's hand. Smith asks it to guide him to the richest treasures in all of space and to take him back to Earth. Figuring it is useless, he throws it. It crashes between the Jupiter and a table outside. A blast knocks over the table, floors Penny and Will to the ground behind some rocks with lots of debris, and shakes the spaceship. John and Maureen are in the Control Room, shaking as the blast rises up in front of the window. They run out with Judy and Don to greet a running Will and Penny. Penny says, "Dr. Smith was attacked." Will adds, "By gloves out of the sky!" Smith gasps, "What have I done!" He screams as the hammer reappears in his hand. Later, Maureen calls Will and Penny out for lunch. Don wonders if the blast wasn't some kind of caliber shell. John doesn't think there was any indication of an alien approach but they will check. Judy asks about Dr. Smith. Don figures he ran for his life when the Jupiter II started shaking but doesn't worry--Smith won't miss a meal. Smith comes back and sits to eat, asking what, "Earth tremor? What Earth tremor?" He fakes that he wished he were here to help all hands in peril. Don says, "Why don't you just eat, Smith?" Maureen asks about the gloves that Will and Penny mentioned. Smith bluffs his way out of it. John wants Smith to take the Robot and check out the perimeter of the Jupiter II. He takes lots of food for his dinner as the Robot holds the tray. After he leaves, Don and Maureen comment at least he left them a little. Section 6 of Perimeter Defense secure, Robot says. Smith is glad the Robot has his electronic synthesizer unit, a simulator for vital components. Robot tells this to Smith who says, "That's an exciting bit of news." Smith threatens to pull the Robot's power pack out if he doesn't use it for the gloves, calling him a pusillanimous pinhead. Robot reproduces the gloves.
As Robot does, Smith says, "Every time I come upon a really wondrous device, some sneaky alien comes along and takes it away from me but this time, I shall be prepared."
Smith takes the gloves out ("Oh joy, oh bliss") and hides them under a rock. He will soon have the greatest treasures of the entire universe and then have a triumphant return to Earth. NOTE: I cannot understand why he thinks this when he already tried to use the hammer and gloves to do both and failed. ALSO NOTE Smith's makeup looks a bit more nefarious again--sort of like he looked in the early episodes--the eyebrows are arched a bit more than usual. Will comes and asks questions. Smith lies. Will is told to search Smith's quarters for the gloves. Will goes, leaving Smith to say, "I dislike prying people." He tells Robot if anyone asks, the hammer and gloves belong to the Robot, even though Robot claims a cybernetic servo mechanism does not wear gloves. Robot yells, "Danger! Danger!" A black furry monster with long ears sticking up (not unlike the Bloop's ears) and a beard and moustache, comes out from some nearby rocks. It raises its arms but Smith screams and throws the hammer at it. It blows up and the hammer reappears in Smith's hands. Smith screams. Robot warns, "Warning! Warning! Alien approaching!" A blond lady on a winged horse arrives, with a sparking spear, a helmet with wings, and armor on. She is singing Ta Hoo Ta Hoo!
NOTE: LOST IN SPACE has hit a new low, the lowest it will sink but beware of ROCKET TO EARTH, TREASURE OF THE LOST PLANET, and yes, THE GREAT VEGETABLE REBELLION. These are the worst of LOST IN SPACE yet to come. THE SPACE VIKINGS is hardly watchable.
Lady Brynhilda sees Smith passed out in the Robot's arms and thinks he is dead. Robot tells her negative--and as for Smith being a hero--double negative. Brynhilda can make dead heroes return to life again. Robot uses a method to return Smith to consciousness--calling, "It is time to eat." Smith awakens. Brynhilda is a Valkeryie who has come for the hammer of Thor. This is the first time it has left Thor and she claims whoever possesses the hammer rules all. Robot claims it was he who found the legendary hammer, he who threw it towards the Jupiter II, and he who...Smith stops him, calling him a bumbling bag of bolts (and earlier a clumsy clod when Byrnhilda pushed the Robot into Smith). At first, she thought the Robot was a warrior under armor. Smith tells her it is "a mere mechanical structure--it does my bidding." She thinks it was the Robot who found the hammer and gloves. She claims it will be decided in Valhalla. Singing she mounts her horse (a model of a horse which doesn't move!!!). Smith tries to get her to take him on a trip to Earth, taking the food into his hands, "Waste not want not, mother always told me." Brynhilda makes the Robot appear on the horse's tail and Smith on the horse behind her. Smith seems reluctant to put his arms around her but does as she blasts off, mentioning the Icy Dragon Flats or flat lands or something of Niffelheim. Will sees them blast off and runs to John, calling, "Dad! Dr. Smith just disappeared on a flying horse! It's true! The horse had wings!" Maureen and John are at the drill site, wondering what he is talking about. John says, "First it was Penny and what, her magic gloves out of the sky..." Maureen tells John he really should have a talk with Dr. Smith--the man is subverting the kid's minds with this mythology business. John says he will but lets Will go back to find evidence to prove what he told them. Maureen says, "Oh John." NOTE: Both parents, after seeing and encountering space admirals, space circuses, a green girl and man who breath in space, and other mishaps, can't believe in a flying horse!!!! It should be Will who doesn't believe them! WHAT IDIOTS! Obviously the same nonsense happened on VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, where each member of the crew disbelieves other members and even their own eyes about ghosts, monsters, werewolves, etc when in the past they encountered underwater space spiders, mermen, phantoms, other werewolves, etc. Continuity should have been better maintained. "Okay, I can believe a flying horse." "A ghost of an pirate who looks just like me? That's like when the phantom took over Lee." But one of the only times this happened on LOST IN SPACE, was when John said, during the tepid THE MECHANICAL MEN, "From now on, I believe anything," and Don added, "I know what you mean." Occasionally on VOYAGE, they didn't react startled, more toward the end of the show as in ATTACK and FLAMING ICE and even SAVAGE JUNGLE. Smith is in an ancient Viking skins or some kind of tunic, sitting at a long table eating meat with Brynhilda. Behind them is a stuffed polar bear. Byrnhilda chases away an old...and very small hound that tries to eat off Smith's meat from his hand. Byrnhilda sings and Smith tries to ToHo but breaks into a dry laugh. THIS IS EMBARRASSING. He eats some small delicacy and then asks her what it is. In the one truly funny moment of this crap, she answers, "Dried dragonflies," and the face on Smith, combined with the drop off type music just after a quiet moment, is funny. Smith throws it when she isn't looking. He mentions a trip to Earth. She knows of it--she was there a few thousand years ago (claiming "we" were there--presumably the other "gods" or aliens). "You wouldn't want to go there," she says. Smith mentions jewels; she mentions Trolls. Jewels are in Niffelheim but when Smith mentions he wants to go there, she tells him only fools venture there. She mentions Thor who is still about, charioteering across space. She is now aware Thor's hammer and gloves went to Smith, not the mechanical being. Thor must do battle with Smith. The cold breath of the frost giants blows outside the cave they are in (the doorway being the keyhole arch from A VISIT TO HADES) and the scream the frost giants make the scream used in THE TOYMAKER and which will be used for Uncle Angus (to better effect) in THE ASTRAL TRAVELER. Smith once more implores that he should leave for Earth. Byrnhilda must summon the warriors and sings. Thor arrives and sings. EMBARRASSING. Smith gathers meat and tells Robot to move it, "Proceed! Proceed!" He and Robot go into a room of skins. Smith has one glove and it won't work for him, "Hammer come." Robot says, "It was I who..." Smith calls him a bubble headed booby. Robot says, "Nothing computers." Byrnhilda laughs at Thor, mentioning Asgard and Yoggheim or some such thing. Thor looks for Smith and goes into the Guest Heroes Chamber. Robot is under skins. Smith hides by a stuffed tiger rug. We hear the nose wiggle music from THE GIRL FROM THE GREEN DIMENSION. Thor says, "I've got you under my skin," which is supposed to be funny, a pun on the song that was popular then. It is not funny and the song is no longer popular. Smith forgot his name for a moment but Thor tells him a name oughta roar like Thor. After Thor walks out, Smith chastities Robot, whose bubble moves up under the skins. Smith lets Thor go out of the cave first and then when Smith moves out, he tries to move the other way. Thor screams for him and he runs after Thor. Smith and Thor walk to a blue hold in the ground.
NOTE: If this is Valhalla, it sure is a dead ringer for the planet the Robinsons are on. It looks exactly the same. The blue mountains in the back, the same trees, etc. This is just one more failure of this episode to provide good entertainment. It is also cheap. It isn't even redressed to look like another planet or another dimension or anything. Better is the pit Smith is thrown in by Thor. Smith asks to be Thor's valet amid THE TIME TUNNEL-RENDEZVOUS WITH YESTERDAY goofy French boy music. From the blue hole comes smoke, a place Thor says is of darkness and cold filled with nyminohs, elves, trolls, dragon's dire. He pushes Smith, whom he calls Smitty, down the pit. Thor sings. Smith is in a cold cavern. Snow and ice are on the ground and there are icicles dripping down as well as ice rocks meeting them. Smoke blows on him. He falls on his face.
Snith hears laughing in the cold place he is in. Two elves with red hair, green caps, and golden tunics with green belts come to him (golden tunics are probably left over from THE DREAM MONSTER's two midget helpers), and repeat what he says, "Scat, shoo." Smith screams. A blast of cold hits him and he passes out. Will finds the gloves under a rock and one that Smith dropped just before the immobile flying horse left. Will puts one glove on. Thor TaHos and sings but Will hides the gloves just before Thor blasts in on the horse. He shows Will the evil eye, thinking Will is an alien elf, the pointer and pinky fingers out. It is supposed to make Will disappear. Thor figures it will not work on an alien elf. Will, he thinks, is elf to Smitty. Will asks, "Dr. Smith? Where is he!?! What've you done to him!!" Will puts the evil eye on Thor and looks proudly at his own fingers. Thor tells him Smitty is entertained by dear close friends of his. John, with a laser pistol belted around him, looks for Will. Thor will take Will to Smitty if Will gets his gloves. Will does. Telling Will that his own elves will take care of Will, Thor sees Will trip, "Whoopsey Daisy there little elf. Take one giant step." John sees Thor singing on his horse, Will behind Thor, and the horse blasting away. Dad must feel real stupid. Will cascades down the chute to Smith and snow. Smith tells him that demons, ugly vile creatures, dragons, and great wealth are here. Elves return. Will says, "Scat, shoo." They repeat him. A VISIT TO HADES music plays. The elves do a good job of imitating Will but the boy gets the upper hand when he waves the gloves at them in a circle, "GET OUTTA HERE!" The elves run off; Smith says to Will, "I taught you well," having to always get the credit. When Smith asks Will if those were elves, Will says, "I'm sure." Thor tells them, up above, that this proves Will has some human in him after all. He wants them to come up now. Will tells Thor that, "Dr. Smith doesn't believe in fisticuffs." Smith repeats in dry tones, "Fisticuffs." Thor asks, "Fisti...what?" "Uh, cuffs," Smith repeats. Thor says, "I'm gonna slay you dead." A dragon face from THE QUESTING BEAST come out of the corner of the set, ruining any ambience it had. It roars monstrously, not matching the visual. Smith and Will run, speeded up on film, as in a slapstick comedy and not a good one at that. They run up the shoot as it blows smoke from its mouth or nose. Awful.
Robot helps Smith practice sword fighting but tells Will he cannot continue--he programming refuses to allow him to do anything that might harm humans. Smith wears a cape and Viking helmet over his skins and usual outfit. Will is sitting on the table but goes out of the dave to Brynhilda. Robot tells Smith he must use what he is best at: cunning and chicanery. "Convince Thor he is helpless without the gloves and hammer," Robot suggests. Smith tells Robot to put away the sword, "An instrument of the devil." Will tells Brynhilda she must stop the fight between Mister Thor and Dr. Smith. She wonders what Will is--dragon dire, elf, troll. Will says, "I'm a boy." Bynhilda must do so much: she takes all the left over dead warriors and their parts--left over after the battle games---and puts them back together. Thor may want Will as a pet. Smith wears his own LOST IN SPACE outfit again. He asks for two rock like sponges from the Robot's synthesizer. Behind in the set is a ram's head. Smith fools Thor--he squeezes water out of the sponge and Thor thinks it is a rock, stupidly turning away so that gives Smith time to replace a sponge with a real, stone hard rock. When Thor tries to do it, he cannot squeeze water out. Smith squirts water in Thor's face. Thor at first, thinks Smith is going to be a bigger challenge than he first thought. Smith cons Thor some more and then challenges Thor to an arm wrestle but cons Thor even more: issuing up self doubt, insecurities, and repressions and other problems. Smith seems to be hypnotizing Thor. Will and Byrnhilda continue to talk in another area. Thor, she says, is going through a difficult phase--she knows his courage is not from the hammer and gloves and he knew it. She has to find challenges for him to keep him a sharp hero. He must be ready to fight the frost giants. She asks about boys. Will tells her they usually have to grow up to be men. She says, "Oh, what a pity." From her memory, she recalls boys like to play and pretend. Just as a potentially good scene starts with some tenderness and warmth, Brynhilda screams out, "THEN WELCOME!" At the same time, she hugs Will close to her. Thor is on a couch, his horned (VIKINGS DID NOT WEAR HORNS!!!! MAYBE THOR DID IN SHOWS LIKE THIS OR IN PAINTINGS BUT VIKINGS DID NOT!!) helmet off. Smith is telling him he is not a great warrior and it was all lies about him being one. He says he stems from his unhappy childhood. Thor cries, it must be but he didn't have any childhood. Smith cons him some more--if they fake that Thor beats Smith, Smith will only want some rich trinkets and be sent home (Earth? The planet?). Smith tells Thor he is incapable of squashing a dragonfly, while putting one in Thor's mouth. Robot warns, "Warning! Warning! Alien approaching!" A voice on a speaker calls that the giants of Gatroude, Veramir, Vothorn are attacking. The frost giants! Smith gasps, "Protect us!" Byrnhilda comes in and to-hoes, ready to fight the giants. Will finds out what Smith has done to Thor. Smith lies, stating Thor has had some kind of seizure. Will says, "We'll all be killed!" Smith gasps, "GIANTS! The end is near!" Will wonders exactly what Smith said to Thor and exactly what he's been saying to him. Thor tells Will. Will throws up his hands, "Now you've done it! You've really done it!" Byrnhilda goes outside to battle but shakes back in--the frost giants do it. Smith and Will help Thor, who springs to Brynhilda's defense, try to ascertain which gloves are the real ones. Thor goes without the gloves. Will calls, "Dr. Smith--look!" Giant sandaled feet pass the opening of the cave--the sandal ties go up the legs of the giants. Thor throws his hammer and there is a blast. Rocks fall. Smith falls but Will helps him, "You alright? He did it!" Will tells Smith that Thor didn't even have the gloves on. The worst aliens in LOST IN SPACE and probably any non-Japanese oriented TV series, TaHo together. Will and Smith yell a song out too, "TaHoo, YaaaHooo," and hug each other. Later, Bynhilda tells Will that her homing horse is on a star phase. They are near the blue hole. The horse's name is Flightfear or something. Smith is in the cave, looking at the treasure in a chest that he wants. Smith yells, "Wait for me!" There is a blast and Robot, Will, and Brynhilda vanish, leaving Smith. Smith says, "Oh dear," and goes back to his chest. Will calls Mom. Mom calls John in the control room and the rest of the family run outside the ship. The spiked plant that is usually outside the entrance appears to have moved across to the other side of the ramp. Maureen tells Will they were so worried. YEAH RIGHT. SAVE IT DOPEY. You didn't even believe the kids. Smith appears with the chest under him. When he realizes the chest is under him, he is ashamed at what he was thinking of those delightful creatures. Inside the chest are dried dragonflies. Smith says, "Oh the pain, the pain." All laugh. I didn't. NOTE: Billy Mumy is wearing some kind of chain on his hip in this last scene.
CLIFFHANGER: Penny pitches to Smith up at bat while Will is the catcher, "Atta girl Penny, right down the old pike." Robot is ump, Play ball." Smith questions Robot's decision. Smith claims he is Joe Dimaggio, Ted Williams, and Babe Ruth all rolled into one. Will says, "Hah!" Robot calls, "Strike" to which Smith protests. Robot threatens to eject him from the game. Smith calls him a monstrous mechanized misguided moron. Robot says, "Out!" Smith takes his ball, his glove, and his bat (HIS? WHAT DID HE DO--KEEP THEM IN HIS POCKET WHEN HE STOWED AWAY or did he make these while LOST IN SPACE--remember that is the premise--LOST IN SPACE) and will return to the spaceship. Will and Penny talk him into staying. Will asks Smith to show him the throw (the dippsy doodle) he taught Sandy Cofax (a pitcher of the one time-NEW YORK Dodgers baseball team and whom my mother actually saw play several times). Smith calls Robot an astigmatic automaton. Penny, Smith, and Will move the gloves and ball about among the three of them. Smith pitches, using the evil eye (left over from THOR?). He will use a trick Satchel Page taught him (Satchel Page was a black player who struggled up at the same time as Jackie Robinson and came up just after--Page played on the Cleveland Indians and was in his 40s by the time he came up). Smith drops the ball. He pitches. Penny hits it and runs. Smith moves back to catch the ball. Before he can, a sorcerer appears and catches the ball!
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK, SAME TIME SAME CHANNEL-white lettering
REVIEW: PFFFTTT! YUCK! TOTAL GARBAGE! From the greatest myths ever told--a spawning of creation, destruction, rebirth, power, downfalls, plotting, and intricacies of plot and machinations...comes this garbage. The actor playing Thor was terrible as a Thor. He was a buffoon, not really menacing. Then Will chastises Smith for making Thor a baby child who can't really stick up for himself. Finally, I thought, Smith did something of value--defended himself against an enemy with his own means...and Will yells at him for it. Valhalla looked nothing like it should...it looked like another cave and the Robinson's planet. The only set that was okay was the ice pit but that was totally ruined by the silly elves and dumb looking dragon head sticking into the set. Maureen, John, Judy, and Don have less to do than usual...if that can be believed. Also--Mom and Dad are clueless about life in space...at least LOST IN SPACE life. "Oh come on, now, Will, a flying horse?" "Gloves out of the sky, Penny, can't be!" What dopes. Haven't they learned. The action was nill. The threat of the frost giants was the only interesting thing and it is so badly handled...Thor threw his hammer and did what? Knock all the giants down? Kill them all? Why didn't he do that before this? Perhaps I should stop about this episode---it is a total waste of time and not worth watching even once. Skip it if you can. Perhaps I am a bit too critical about this and other second season episodes but that is not because I hate the show but because I like the concept and characters so much, I hate to see it so mishandled and misguided with such bad scripts and bad direction. THE SPACE VIKINGS is the worst episode of LOST IN SPACE but that may have to be revised when watching the next piece of trash called ROCKET TO EARTH...
ROCKET TO EARTH-this may be the worst episode of LOST IN SPACE
NARRATION: Last week, as you recall, we left Will, Penny, and Dr. Smith contentedly playing baseball, unaware that an incredible alien magician was about to join their innocent game...
TEASER-not fully recapped--as Smith pitches the ball, he also seems to hurt his back a bit and makes a motion which wasn't there in the cliffhanger.
Smith pitches. He winds up and makes a face as his back arches. He seems to hurt his back. He throws. Penny hits it and runs. Smith moves back to catch the ball. Before he can, a sorcerer appears and catches the ball. An alien appears and turns the ball into an egg and vanishes. Penny, Will, and Robot come to him. Smith gasps, "My heart simply cannot endure any more of these traumatic experiences." Robot's sensors do not detect an alien being. Smith says, "The monster was right here and it caught the ball." Dressed in a blue-green sorcerer outfit with hat to boot, the magician appears with a ventriloquist dummy, dressed similarly but in red. Will and Penny do not see him. Smith rants, "I'm Doctor Doctor" and messes up that he is 175 pounds and 5'11'' while Penny and Will ask the Robot (who just told them he did not detect anything). The alien points a finger at the Robot, firing something at him (via the sound effects of FANTASTIC VOYAGE). The dummy talks, its eyes light up red, and he and his master vanish, the dummy telling Smith, "But not for long." Robot tells Smith, "Let us take you back to the spaceship." Penny and Will try to make him realize he is the Doctor.
WILD ADVENTURE music as Maureen and Judy check the control console in the Control Room (?!). They then check out the cooling system. John and Don return early. Maureen has not yet started dinner. John jokes about he and Don toiling in the vineyards of space. Smith is still not well. He has his eyes shut. Judy feels Smith is in bad shape. John asks if he ate his lunch. Maureen smiles, "Double portions." When Don jokes about Smith, Judy says, "You shouldn't joke about it, Don." Don says, "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go down and cheer him up." John finishes the checks with Judy so that Maureen can go start dinner. Lower deck in his cabin: Smith has blackout glasses on and an ice pack on his head. Will offers to get him fruit juice. Don arrives and takes his pulse. Smith tells him to go, he irks him. Don checks his breathing, tells Will he is nuttier than a fruit cake, and tells Smith he didn't want to upset him. Will looks like he has had a haircut. Smith takes off the glasses. Will leaves, turning back, telling Smith if he needs anything to just call him. The sorcerer and dummy appear, sitting in a chair, laughing. Smith might have space fatigue. The aliens talk of padded walls and "flip flip" for Smith. The aliens vanish, the magician claiming, "We can always come back." Smith checks the chair, "Mister Zalto?" NOTE: We may have missed a scene or something that was in the script--Zalto never told Smith his name. John and Don weld outside the ship using face visors. They stop and discuss the Chariot and how they keep it going. John mentions makeshift parts, rerouted wiring, diluted fuel...Don jokes about trading it in for a new model; John jokes about cash or credit. Don jokes, "Alright we keep the old model." Smith comes out and tells John, despite Don's cold joking words, "I am in need of psychiatric treatment." John asks, "Are you still seeing that alien and his dummy?" Not right now, Smith tells him but they are with him. John does not believe Smith is having a breakdown, believing their is a logical explanation. Smith berates Don, "For shame, Major" and "you're a cold, cruel man." John tells Smith that Don was only joking. Don gives Smith the visor, offering hard work as a cure. Smith tells him he is disturbed, not completely balmy. After Smith goes, John laughs that this is one area he is behaving normal in. Smith sits on a rock. Will and Robot arrive with notions of cheering him up with "clever sayings and witty conversation". Robot reads a poem of Humpty Dumpty which Smith comments on--"I think I am going to be violently ill." Will asks where his sense of humor is. The alien appears on the rock. SPACE CIRCUS music. Will feels the area after the alien and dummy vanish. Robot offers an opinion, that the alien and his dummy are not a figment of Dr. Smith's imagination--"they exist." Smith gets up. Robot can take them to a place but he advises against it. Smith says, "Advise my foot, you pompous popinjay--lead on!" They go to a cave and the boulder blocking the entrance moves by itself. A red carpet rolls out. Smith says, "I think we'd better return to the spaceship." Will talks him into going in if he wants to be cured. They go in and the cave is very dark. The boulder closes them in. Smith whines about caves. They hear a whining sound and a blast occurs. The dummy in a chair stool appears, candles all around him, "Don't try to leave, Dr. Smith, we love company. We like it so much we may never let you go!" NOTE: This lead up scene and the short ones after the break, are somewhat creepy and atmospheric but this is not sustained at all and leads into a somewhat silly and dull comedy. The dummy in the cave sequence as well as a later sequence of Smith trying to convince the adults of the expedition to help him steal Zalto's spaceship were used as part of the promos when LOST IN SPACE was aired in the 1970s on a local station, now owned by FOX.
Smith grabs Will infront of him. The dummy blasts away to reveal a hole into another cave--the lab of the Great Zalto, who plays a horn and makes a rope come out of a bucket. The dummy appears out of a giant jug and announces visitors. Zalto wants to turn them into frogs for disturbing his trick. There is a polar bear statue (from the ADDAMS FAMILY?). A bone face on Zalto's gong is called Maximillian. Zalto used limited optical materialization on Smith---appearing to only one person among a group. Smith lies, saying he knew it all along. Will says, "Dr. Smith!" Zalto once froze a lake of water and the dummy reveals this to them, adding that they were stuck in it for two days. Smith introduces his young friend William Robinson. Zalto never shakes hands--he has too much power in his hands and may accidentally destroy someone. He has practices witchcraft, magic, love potions, and calls Dr. Smith Professor at least twice during this scene, "Come with me Professor." Zalto turns liquid into gold but there is a blast and a giant Indian statue appears (accompanied by the music of a Hollywood Indian nature). On the walls of Zalto's lab are huge alien faces also seen in THE DREAM MONSTER on Sesmar's lab wall. It has taken ten years for Zalto to become the greatest magician. Robot says, "Well, you are extremely good at blowing up things." Zalto make a curtain rise and a small two man spaceship is behind it. Smith mentions Earth, of course. He also cons Will into leaving, telling him to get back to the ship, "...and take that one with you." Will and Robot go. Smith and Zalto laugh. Zalto drops a book in the jug...on the dummy. Smith offers to be Zalto's helper. To test him, Zalto puts Smith under his control via hypnosis. Smith says, "Yes Master, I will obey." The dummy tells him the last time he tried that trick it was on the Great Monster from Tauron. It failed and the monster beat him so badly Zalto had to eat soup for a week. With a giant lid, Zalto covers the jar the dummy is in. NOTE: Harris as Smith blinks when he is supposed to be in the trance. John and Maureen work on the forcefield unit as Penny and Will return. They searched for Smith everywhere. Will blames himself, feeling he shouldn't have left Smith alone. John says, "I think Don and I will pay Mister Zalto a visit." Smith arrives, telling them that will not be necessary. Penny says, "We thought Mr. Zalto did something terrible to you." Smith is dressed like a sorcerer in an apprentice's costume. As soon as Zalto found out Smith could pilot a spaceship, he allowed Smith to be his apprentice for some stunt he wants fulfilled. John says, "Dr. Smith, you've done some pretty strange things in the past but this one tops them all." Smith wants to prove his powers. Penny asks, "Oh, are you going to do a trick for us, Dr. Smith?" Smith says, "Trick indeed." He makes three jacks and a ball which Penny takes--she can use them. Next, Smith makes a rabbit with red eyes come out of his hat. Smith smells it and sneezes, "Take it away, take it away." He is allergic. He looks into the hat.
Garden---Robot waters flowers. Will is working there also, "Things sure are dull with Dr. Smith gone so much." Robot comments that a little spice makes things interesting. Will says, "It's not too bad, I guess." Smith arrives, calling Robot an advocated armor bearer. Robot says, "It's so nice to be loved." He has the day off before his trip which see him hurtling through space to a deserted asteroid for some publicity stunt. Smith tells them he has an announcement to make to the leaders of the expedition. John and Don are at the table writing calculations. Maureen and Judy are at the auto dryer-washer. Smith has already made his pitch to them. John tells him they heard his pitch, "You intend stealing Mister Zalto's space ship." Smith says, "To leave this bleak planet, I'd steal a hundred spaceships." He also intends to do this for their "entire intrepid little band." Maureen tells him, "We appreciate your intentions, Dr. Smith, it's your methods we don't approve of." John says, "We all want to go home as badly as you do, Dr. Smith, the only difference is we won't break the law to do it." Night--sad music as Smith, now back in his brown space shirt and trousers, comes out of the Jupiter II with his suitcase, "Farewell." Will says, "It's not gonna be the same without you, Dr. Smith." Robot says, "Those are my sentiments also." Smith calls him a bubble headed booby. Robot cries, "Oh, Dr. Smith, don't go. We need you." Smith gives him a handkerchief to blow his bubble. Robot moves over to the Jupiter II side. Will says, "You really like the Robot, don't you, Dr. Smith?" Smith cries, "How can anyone like that offensive, insensitive machine, that silly, stupid, lovable old ninny." Will says, "Dr. Smith, if I weren't so grown up, I think I would cry." Smith cries, "So would I but we're both too adult to do a thing like that." Will hugs Smith, "Goodbye, Dr. Smith." Smith says, "Farewell, ado, sweet prince. Ado." He pat's Will's head and lets him go. Will rubs his own nose. Smith leaves, "Farewell." Penny brings a book up the elevator to Maureen who is sewing in the control room, working on one of Will's second season shirts. Smith forgot his journal of flora and fauna. Maureen tells her, "Well, I'm sure all the world is waiting breathlessly." For what? The world doesn't know about this. Will tells Robot, "I'm sure gonna miss him." Penny comes out and asks where Dr. Smith is. Will says, "He's gone, Penny." When she tells about the journal, Will says, "Let me take it to him, Penny." Penny is not sure but Robot tells her he will accompany him. Robot says, "Now we can say goodbye to Dr. Smith all over again." Penny watches them go. Zalto is mad that Smith is late, wondering how he and his dummy came to be on this planet in the first place. He recalls something about a right turn at Jupiter, past Neptune's rings. Smith arrives and relates the plan again: 500 miles from the asteroid he will launch the missiles which will blow up harmlessly spelling out Zalto's name in flaming letters, then Smith will return. Zalto says, "Yes, yes." Smith and he drag it out. NOTE: Al Lewis and Jonathan Harris relate a tale they told of this act being too short so they both ad libbed this waste of time which looks like a complete waste of time. Al Lewis, is, of course from the original THE MUNSTERS as Grandpa. Here, he plays the same exact type of character but without the charming qualities that made Grandpa so interesting and watchable. As a villain Zalto is a bore and not menacing enough--while the dummy is just fine and quite scary. It is hard to go wrong with a dummy but LOST IN SPACE came close. Not many other scenes were scary or effective. Zalto is Grandpa with a few changes--minus the humane quality that made Grandpa so non-threatening. Only Zalto also fails to be threatening so we are left with a cackling fool. Smith keeps stopping as Zalto tries to herd him into the spaceship. Smith forgets his suitcase. Zalto then gives Smith his space helmet. Zalto laughs as he gets Smith into the ship finally and shuts the door. Will runs in to give Smith the notebook, "Wait a minute!" Will goes into the ship against Zalto's order. After Will goes in, Zalto shuts the door and laughs. Robot tries to make the alien open it but Zalto makes the ship blast off. He takes the dummy outside the cave boulder to watch it go up. The dummy says, "It is unfortunate that the boy will be destroyed also." Zalto says, "A pity but he had no right to go aboard the spaceship." The dummy says, "I suppose you are right." Zalto laughs and goes back inside the cave.
Will and Smith are in the spaceship which is in outer space. Will says, "Dr. Smith, I don't wanna go to Earth." The planet is behind them (?) or maybe it is stars or some space field. Smith tells him it is the happiest day of their lives. Will says, "Without the rest of the family, who cares." Smith will send a rescue mission for the family and tells him, "...and in no time at all, we will all be united again." Will steadies the ship and looks out, "It sure is beautiful out there." Smith tells him, "Beauty is in THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. Par my course if I ever see another planet or star again, it will be much too soon." Judy and John walk out of the ship to a worried Maureen. John tells her she knows how Will is, "He has to stop and examine everything new he sees. He probably just stopped to look at some unusual rock formation." Maureen says, "No, something's happened to him. I just feel it." Don comes out. Robot returns, "Danger! Danger!" They run to him and he explains what happened. John tells Judy to get that forcefield going. The other three go with Robot to Zalto's. Smith drinks champagne which Zalto produced by magic. Smith makes a toast with "his dear young friend" to a "new and happy life on Earth." Smith sneezes and Will laughs. Smith tells him that rabbits, champagne, sassafras, and space travel make him sneeze. John takes his pistol out and goes into Zalto's cave, followed by Maureen, Don, and Robot. They find Zalto sleeping floating above the ground. Don looks under and goes under him. Zalto vanishes and appears standing, heeding John's warning. John demands he bring back Will, "My son is the only thing that's important to me." Don says, "Smith never had any intention of going near an asteroid--all he wanted was your spaceship." Maureen says, "Look, he is heading straight for Earth. Now you must bring him back." Robot tells about Zalto, computing his motives. Smith was to fire two harmless rockets which are really missiles which when blown up would destroy the asteroid and the spaceship as well. Don says, "I thought this was some sort of advertising stunt." Robot computes the radio---it is working and can be used to try to contact the spaceship--Zalto lied about not being able to reach them. They go to the radio deeper in the dark cave (and for once it looks VERY dark). Behind the radio and to the side are some lab shelves (from Seaview's lab on VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA?). Zalto can't think what can be done. John kicks him out of the seat, "I want you off this planet by dawn." WHAT IS THIS A WESTERN? Zalto cries. John calls. Zalto should never have listened to a fortune teller. Now he will have to go back to doing asteroid county fairs, planetary circuses, and space sideshows. NOTE: On Zalto's outfit, a sand clock logo looks a great deal like one of the logo cartoons from THE TIME TUNNEL opening sequence as well as the closing and in between breaks logo. Dummy tells Zalto to try his disappearing act---but Zalto tells him it never worked very well. Zalto does it and he, carrying the chest and the dummy, moves past a point and vanishes. Will and Smith see Earth out the round window. Will says, "I can't help thinking about Mom and Dad and the rest of the family." Smith tells Will to call and Will calls Alpha Control. United Defense Command Headquarters answers. Smith takes the mike--he has no wallet and is excited, not remembering his name, "I am Dr. Doctor, Doctor Somebody." Will tells him, moving his hand toward Smith, "You're Dr. Zachary Smith." Smith calls his name out and goes on, "...I am a member of the Robinson space exploration party which has been lost for four years..." Will corrects, "TWO YEARS." Smith corrects, "Two years...two dreadful, horrible years--you would not believe the frightful experiences that we have undergone, the sordid experiences of these dreadful planets." He doesn't seem to get a response so he yells out, "We have been LOST IN SPACE!" United Defense Command calls them, not hearing them. They think these are aliens and warn they are ready to defend the Earth. Smith thinks firing the Zalto rockets is a good idea but Will doesn't. Smith says, "Never fear Smith is here." Will doubts firing them but does. He repeats each order to which Smith gets agitated, "Spare me the fancy rigmarole and fire two!" Two neutronic missiles are reported exploding in the Pacific Ocean. Defense Command will fire on the alien ship and continue firing until it is destroyed. Will says, "We've gotto alter our course! Those Earth missiles could blow us to little pieces!" Blasts shake them. NOTE: It sounds like BATMAN music or Nelson Riddle music (same thing) that accompanies the Earth missiles being fired off from the ground). Will turns the ship around as we hear action music from THE RELUCTANT STOWAWAY. Smith yells, "Oh the incredible pain of it all." On the planet in the dark cave, Don says, "I'd like to break Zalto's neck." John says, "If it'd change anything, I'd help ya." Maureen says, "Will and Dr. Smith are probably on Earth by now. Dear, I do hope it isn't too cold...you know he wasn't very warmly dressed." John looks at her like she a first class jerk--that's what she's worried about!!!! Robot warns and the ship appears after a blast. Maureen gets Will out and wants to get him back to the Jupiter II to bed. Smith emerges and thinks he is on Earth. Everyone leaves the cave. Robot says, "I am glad you have returned, Dr. Smith." Smith is in shock due to the traumatic experience and addresses Robot as if he is the President. Smith says, "I am sure you will want to hear of my experiences in space. They are most remarkable. I am sure you will find them hard to believe, Mr. President." Robot calls his attention to a rabbit in his helmet and Smith sneezes. Everyone laughs and continues to leave the area. Smith yells, "Take it away!"
CLIFFHANGER: Daytime--John and Don are readying the Jupiter II. The astrogater is back in place (the mini Jupiter II on its center piece is not moving). They check astrogater control, fuel injection, and computer system (the round electric radar like device). We see a number of the controls up close in several rare shots. John calls Maureen and checks harness safety. She calls up, "Harness safety go." Ignition works as do the motors. Power is turned on and then off. Don says, "Not a no-go in the bunch." He explains about their escape flight corridor which means they must leave at exactly 0800 and not a moment before or after. WHY? Are they aligned up with Alpha Centuari or what? Do they only fuel enough for a direct line up with it? As we will see later they will switch to the ion propellant (try to reckon this with the gas switch links in THE RELUCTANT STOWAWAY and the propellant plasma in THE RAFT--good luck on that). John calls Maureen and tells her when Will and Dr. Smith get back they will have their final briefing. Smith, Will, and Robot are out near rocks. They discuss the trip and Alpha Centauri. Will tells Smith this is the last chance he will have to be active before they reach Alpha Centuari. They can check rocks together in flight. Robot says one of his poems, "When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, yell and shout." Will asks Smith to help him find ore samples in this area. Smith agrees to help, "Indeed, rocks are not of interest to me." Will says, "But they are to me." He hands Smith a chisel and tells him to check an area to the left of the area they are in now. Smith goes with Robot, "The things I endure for young William." He calls Robot a robust rockhead. Robot tells him the outcrop of rock near them should be searched, "You will find it has an undercover stratum of geological interest." He also warns Smith this is a highly gaseous area. Smith is up on a rock near higher rocks. "Ha!" He chisels the rock but a series of explosions make him fall.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK SAME TIME SAME CHANNEL (red lettering).
REVIEW: Al Lewis is obviously just doing Grandpa from THE MUNSTERS which would be fine if he had the charm of the character's background from that show. He doesn't and comes off as neither funny or menacing. As MAGIC, the movie, and other TV shows (THE TWILIGHT ZONE for one) and films have fully realized, dolls and ventriloquist dummies can be quite scary and the dummy has the best "villainous" sequences. The cave scene with Will, Robot, and Smith finding the dummy and being trapped is quite unnerving but the rest of the show is drab and silly. John does very little about Zalto in the first half, ignoring the alien as he has many times this season (THE QUESTING BEAST, THE GIRL FROM THE GREEN DIMENSION, THE SPACE VIKINGS) but then when it occurs to him that the alien could be a menace, here, he acts like an old Cowboy from an old Western movie, threatening to blast Zalto and bossing him around, then telling him he has until dawn to be off this planet (as if a cowboy telling the villain he has until sunset or sundown to get outta town). Tepid. Maureen worries if Will is warmly dressed when there are dangerous missiles on the small ship (looking like the Seaview's diving bell on VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA and the small raft in THE RAFT) that could blow it up. Robot computes Zalto's methods and motives too late. Several days seem to have gone by between acts two and three. Smith's plea to the leaders of the expedition and the scene where he says goodbye to the Robot and Will are worthy; however, most of what follows later in the episode negates these two worthwhile scenes. We do see how Smith cares for Will and the Robot and they for him. Alas, we don't see how Smith cares for the others in any way nor they for him. The joy of finding Earth is well done and Harris plays these sequences for all they are worth and it is fairly exciting to see the pair so close to Earth (since in THE RAFT they were thought to be going to Earth but weren't). The Robinsons could have used Zalto's ship to fly to Earth if they install a radio but they don't. Not an episode indicative of the best of LOST IN SPACE. While not specifically stated, the others seem to want to go back to Earth (John even says, "...we all want to go back home as badly as you do...") but in other episodes such as CAVE OF THE WIZARDS, the Robinsons seem to want to try for Alpha Centurai. This was not consistent as it kept changing. To be fair to the show, Alpha Centuari seemed to be the destination, if Earth came along, so be that, too!